still reeling

I’ve already written reviews for the Yoshida Hiroshi exhibit and La La Land, both of which I did back to back in that order this past Sunday. I have to admit though, that seeing those two things together was like a double-whammy. Two swift punches to the gut.

There I was surrounded by a lifetime of Yoshida’s incredible work, and when I wasn’t gushing over how much I loved and could relate to it, all I could think about was how much of a waste my art degree was, how little I’ve used it, and how much of an imposter I am whenever I say I’m an artist.

Not fifteen minutes after leaving that show I enter a theater, sit down to La La Land and am faced with a story of two young people struggling against adversity to find purpose and ultimately achieve their creative dreams. To be honest, it spoke so directly to my feelings at the time I found it more than just a little eery.

I’ll spare you the speech about how I’m going to change and start doing things differently and blah blah since I’ve made them all already to no avail. I’ll just say that I’m still reeling from this past Sunday, and it reminded me that the road I’m taking isn’t necessarily a straight line.

“A bit of madness is key
To give us new colors to see
Who knows where it will lead us?
And that’s why they need us”

So bring on the rebels
The ripples from pebbles
The painters, and poets, and plays

And here’s to the fools who dream
Crazy as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts that break
Here’s to the mess we make

— Audition, La La Land soundtrack


3 thoughts on “still reeling

  1. I feel similarly in the fact that I barely art or write anymore. I’ve obviously hit a wall and need to refill my creative coffers, or shut up and do the things against my will, no matter how shitty it turns out…oh wait, FFXV is calling! Maybe I’ll do those things later-my mantra as of late. Bleh, what happened to me?
    Maybe this is normal, maybe I finally got old, too jaded, lazy, and apathetic. Maybe I just want mindless entertainment until my brain summons a hurricane of creative fury…Maybe I need a trip to another planet. Who knows, right?
    You will art again. I will art again. There are shitty things going down in the world and it makes me very angry. So I sit and stew in it constantly, which is dumb.
    My new job is ok, but I admit I only go for the money, there is no creative aspect to anything I do there and some of the people are a major drag, but I go and work hard and smile every day because I have to. It’s hard to want to create after weeks and weeks of the same mindless crap. We get wedged into our jobs, we adult, but that can kill spirit and drive. Some of us have careers we love, and so we are able to add more and do more because we are free and happy about additional projects and making the time to create.
    I’ll admit that I have always arted for myself and never had any inclination to live off of it, so maybe this whole novel I’ve written makes no sense and comes off negatively, but that was not my purpose; only that I can pretty much understand wanting to change and do more art too! I really do!
    We can do it!!! Fight!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re speaking my language, sister. And I don’t think your novel sounds silly or negative. Art is always about the artist first and foremost, I think. The audience is secondary and just sort of symptomatic, even for professionals I believe.

      For me, and for you too I think, my anxiety stems from the fact that kindling a fire of creativity is hard work now. It isn’t effortless like it used to be when I was young and in art school with all my time dedicated to it. Realizing that we’ve perhaps taken our talents for granted and just now seeing that they must be sweated and toiled over is a hard revelation to face.

      But that sweat comes from working muscles that are long out of use, ya know. When you don’t use those faculties they become cold and rusty and unnatural. We just have to grease the joints and put the ball in motion. It may be difficult at first, but if we build up enough momentum….. who knows.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s